If you wanna stay looking young, you gotta stay MOIST!
There isn’t enough $70 lotion in all the world to keep me moist in NM. I’m out here pretending to be 32 for chrissakes!
I need my skin as dewy as Ray Leota, all coked up, in Goodfellas.
A week in LC leaves me at risk of found out as a 40 year old. And as we know, once a woman hits 40 she disappears into the kitchen. She can only to return after her 60th birthday. Then she will be ready to attend city council meetings and ask two-part questions. Las Cruces was so dry our nostrils were on fire. Which lead to the discovery that personal lubricant isn’t just for sex!
You can put lube in all your holes, even nose holes.
The desert is full of sand and sand should stay on the ground where it belongs.
But sand in Las Cruces won’t stay on the ground! The winds from the Organ Mountains sweep across the Mesilla Valley. The result, gigantic dust storms. I wager the storms used to tampered by native vegetation. Now, dust devils gyrate across box store parking lots. Sand pelting bare-legged shoppers, as they sprint from their cars to buy air fryers and huge TVs.
The only people that seem to pay no mind to the heat and dust are the Chicanas.
Women in Las Cruces are tough AND they are beautiful. Eye makeup is perfect. Lipstick never faded. All tattoos on point. Trust me when I say, you do not want to cross a group of these ladies. In grade school these are the girls who I wanted to hang out with sooo bad.
Of course, they didn’t want to hang out with me because I’m a “puta.”
I mean, I do come across a kind of a bitch but that's only because I'm tall and look mean. And because I am judging everything and everyone. *Actually very shy.
Until recently I thought "aloof" was a way to describe a beautiful pony.
A huge part of my own ideas about beauty and coolness is attributed to growing in Las Cruces. Everyone looks very put together all the time. You know that couple that argues in their grungy PJ’s at the Walmart late at night? Those people don’t live in LC. You can take that trash to Farmington, NM. *JK Farmington, we're cool.
The girls I went to middle school with were (wannabe) Cholas.
*I have read that is a derogatory term for an outsider-ass-gringa like me because it denotes gang affiliation. The article I read said that I can't say that word because I don't know if they were cholas for sure. But I mean, these gals were "in a group, with a clear leader, all wore the same color and wanted to kick my ass every day."
It was the early 90’s and being in a gang was very, very cool.
So cool there was a shooting at my school! That’s tough ass shit. Sure, it wasn’t a new fangled mass shooting. Just one kid shooting another kid but that’s how we liked our school shootings then.
Back to the awesome things about Las Cruces!
If you are going to Las Cruces you should stay at the Hotel Encanto. It was the Las
Cruces Hilton and looks pretty much the same but more ENCANTOOOOO! Any local will tell you this is the place for weddings, quinceañeras or graduation parties. The pool is the jam and the gardens are a lush oasis after a day in the heat. The bar, like most things post-COVID wasn’t up to full running order. It was nice though. I declare it to be the swankiest bar in LC!
Cruces doesn’t have a ton of food options but that is changing.
The city now has more than just fast food covered in hot peppers. I was able to order a pita and hummus plate even! Twenty years ago that would have been unheard of in the city. You’d have to drive to El Paso for those kind of beans and that kind of flat bread.
But if you want a classic go for a delicious green chile cheeseburger from Blakes Lotaburger. It is the original and arguably the best.
A trip to LC isn’t complete without loading up on regional New Mexican dishes. It’s like Tex-Mex but there are more Native American influences. Sopapillas and flour tortillas are king. My favorite Mexican restaurant, Noplalito, makes the best green chile in the world. I would swim in a pool of it if I could.
Caution to vegetarians, most food in LC is not veg friendly. Lard and chicken stock cubes are a big reason everything tastes so darn good.
If you are in the mood for something a little fancy but not too fancy, the Pecan Grill & Brewery is delicious. After a few days of eating my childhood favorites, we were ready to eat something light. Pecan Grill had a dope Ponzu Ahi dish. It made me feel like I would never have to exercise again if I could stick to eating this dish exclusively. They also make great cocktails. Much needed after a day in the car with my family.
*Why do all Dads think the GPS is lying to them?*
If you have time, you could drive up to Alamogordo and visit White Sands National Park . It is an amazing place but ya know, so much sand. And that sand gets everywhere. I mean like between your butt-cheeks and beyond everywhere. Sandy vag aside, worth the drive.
There is a fantastic market that runs twice a week in the historic downtown.
The Farmer’s and Craft Market of Las Cruces. Wednesday markets are smaller than the big show on Saturday morning. There’s food, veggie stalls and crafts. My mom used to vend her art work at this market when I was a kid. A story she told to literally every vendor we met. Perhaps in hopes of a discount but more likely because she enjoys small talk. Visiting the market reminds me of early mornings setting up. Plus it was the site of my first entrepreneurial endeavor, selling friendship bracelets. Once when I was nine I made $7! It might as well been a million dollars because I was ready to move out and into my own apartment that afternoon.
Get to the market early. The heat shuts things down around 2pm.
If the Fruit Blast agua fresca truck is out. It’s worth the wait for ultimate in regional refreshment. Ben, my husband, was able to get a sugar-free agua fresca. Pretty exciting for a Type 1 Diabetic to say the least. When faced with this sugary drink, my poor "Hus'Ben" is usually stuck with unflavored water. Mega bummer.
Next stop, a day in Downtown El Paso because we don’t get to go to Juárez anymore. My dad would have kittens if we crossed the border.
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